I Wish

I wish I could come out of my room. I want to, I really do, I just can't, I'm not ready.

I wish that I hadn't got Post Traumatic Shock Disorder (which apparently used to be called a nervous break down). It has made life so hard for my kids and husband.

I wish my Mum wasn't losing her mind with grief. I wish she was capable of getting through this so that we might be able to have the mother and grandmother we always wanted.

I wish I could go into my scraproom and make a card or scrap a page. But I just can't.

I wish I could read a book and escape into a make believe world that makes me forget just for a moment about everything happening in my world.

I wish my sister wasn't living in her own personal nightmare trying to work full-time and care for a mother who can't cope.

I wish my nephew didn't blame himself for not being able to save his grandfather after doing CPR on him for over an hour at the age of 17. No have saved him.

I wish Troy hadn't reversed into the Tupperware ladies car the day of the bridal shower which is now costing them $1050 in excess. Money they needed for other things.

I wish we could all go away on a big family holiday and sit around somewhere and just relax with each other and forget all the problems.

I wish my Mum wasn't self harming because she feels so bad.

I wish my Mum could go and be with my Dad because that's all she wants. She is doing her best to wish herself to death and has even tried to take her own life. I don't want her to die but I can't stand to watch her suffer and all those around her that she is causing great suffering to.

But most of all I wish my Dad hadn't died and left this big ugly mess behind.

I am grateful for a wonderful husband and children who love and support me no matter what.

I am grateful for a best friend who stands by me, even if she doesn't agree with my decisions but loves me unconditionally and is always there for me despite the fact that she is going through her own grief and pain.

I am grateful for her sister who has also stepped in to lend a hand and support and has even occasionally made me my favourite cookies.

I am grateful for the love I have for my own sister who was the first female I ever nurtured and cared for. The love I have for her can not be damaged by time and space. My love for her comes from the pure love of a child and I have recently realised has not been diminished by adulthood.

Finally I am grateful for the strength of all the women around me whose strength I have drawn on over the past few months and will continue to lean on for support. It is in the darkest of days that women will step up and surround you with love, support, strength, they will nurture you and listen to you no matter how many times you have to say the same thing. There are so many woman who have been there for me, some in small ways and some in large. Thanks to all of you, I couldn't have made it without you.