Sunday, July 27

It Really Was the Nightmare!

I can't take anymore, it's just that simple. My poor beautiful daughter's bridal shower was a complete disaster before it even got started. Mum came and told me my sister hadn't come because she had to do some paper work and she basically alluded to the fact that my sister wasn't coming to her own nieces wedding. That was all it took to send me running to my room where I ended up sobbing so hard I couldn't breath which in turn lead to a panic attack. Sheree and her sister Narelle arrived, Sheree came and forced me to pull myself together. Not long after that from what I can remember, the Groom then reversed out of our steep drive and because you can't really see, that and he wasn't expecting a car to be there, hit the tupperware ladies car. Then something got burned, there was hysterical laughter which quickly turned into crying and another panic attack (this time not me), then someone else ended up crying in another room. It was kind of a dominoes effect and before you knew it, everyone in the house except Mum ended up crying or in tears. This was truly the worst day we've had since January 4.
I really tried to make this all ok for my kids, I wanted them to be able to have their Grandma and there Aunts and Uncles in their lives, I have worked my arse off the last couple of months going to counselling so that I could make this all ok for my daughter to have the wedding she deserved and wanted. I failed, it didn't work and I can't bloody do it anymore. I wish more than anything I had a sister who would sit up talking to me until 3 in the morning but I don't. The truth is I don't belong to that family, I never did, I have never in my whole life felt good enough for them. I have been praying all night asking god what is the lesson in all this, what do you want me to learn so that I release this part of my life and put it behind me. But there is no answer. There is just a husband who is fed up with having half a wife, a best friend who probably won't be able to get out of bed for days after the emotional exhaustion she went through today, daughters who don't even know which way is up anymore and sons who are just plain confused.
I want to scream and yell out loud but instead all I can do is cry and cry and then cry some more. I have been crying now for almost 2 hours and still the tears keep coming.
On a good note Kylie got to spend $270 on Tupperware and she got a couple of tupperware gifts as well. Well that's it for me tonight, I'm exhausted and I had to sleeping pills, not confident I'll sleep but I must try!

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