Monday, April 14

How Low Can You Go?

I have to admit that I was probably one of those people who thought depression was a little self indulgent. I had certainly felt depressed at certain times in my life i.e. when my daughter died and times when life has been difficult but never before had I experienced this kind of depression. The one that I am really ashamed to say I have, I have a deep clinical depression and I still wish I could just snap out of it. Even saying it is difficult, but living with it is worse. You can't just wake up in the morning and snap yourself out of it and then there are those days when you actually feel like you are losing your mind. You lose all desire to function in a way that you normally take for granted, nothing really gives you any joy. Some days are far worse than others and today for me is particularly bad, partly because yesterday was the eighth month mark and I really had no one to share it with, can't talk to my sister or mum and my BF is living her own hell right now and she is usually my substitute sister/mother.
So I went off to visit my Doctor and had a chat to him, which for some reason always seems to help a little. I did realise that my main problem right now is loneliness and that's OK, it can't be changed. I am going to visit my BF and her Mum on Wednesday in Toowoomba and I'm really looking forward to that. In the meantime, today I have to go over and visit her boys and make sure they are ready to go back to school tomorrow.
So there you have it, I have publicly admitted that I'm really depressed, which was difficult to do. Is it necessary? People can only stop feeling shame about it when people admit they have it and are supported by friends and family as opposed to being looked down on, which is what my twisted mind tells me will happen (even though logically I know that's not true). So if you're one of those people like I was and you think that people can just 'snap' out of it if they really want to then think again. It is not something they control, no matter how much they want to, and believe me when I tell you there is NOTHING I would like more than to wake up one morning and be myself again. So be compassionate to those suffering depression and hope that you never have to experience it yourself.

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