Thursday, March 6

Life in Limbo

I felt strong, thought I was doing really well and things were starting to improve. Then I got another phone call...Tuesday night. It was my best friend, her Mum had been hospitilized with a suspected mild stroke. It wasn't a stroke...they found spots in her brain and lungs. She had a Melanoma removed from her scalp just over 2 years ago. They are pretty sure she has cancer in her brain and lungs. They are waiting on the results of a lung biopsy and a full body scan. Things are looking pretty grim.
No this didn't happen to me, it has happened to someone I love like a sister and she is devastated. She has watched me go through hell for the last 6 1/2 months and she has been there holding my hand the whole time, she has cried with me, listened to me and held me up. I could not have gotten through this without her. She knows better than anyone what she is going to be in for, because she held my hand as I have been going through it. Now I have to do it for her and I am so scared.
I am filled with self doubt and it makes me feel so selfish. Mostly I am scared that I don't have the strength to help her get through this. Who would have imagined we'd both go through this type of hell within months of each other with parents who were only 61 and 62. She is very close to her Mum and is beside herself with fear and pain. Her Mum isn't even in Brisbane, so the only communication we have at the moment is via text messaging. They should know by the end of the week where things stand but they are not hopeful.
I spent the day yesterday worrying about her and her Mum and having visions of Dad's funeral, it was horrible. It all came flooding back, the pain, the sadness, the fear of survival. Worst of all, I don't have my best friend to share this with, she is living her own hell. I remember when Dad died that I was torn between being glad he didn't die slowly and suffer and wishing that we'd had some warning to say goodbye and spend time with him...tell him all the things we wanted to say. No matter how you loose a parent it is devastating.
Somehow I have to find the strength to give her everything that she gave to me, I will have to dig deep, but sometimes life just seems so unfair!

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