Thursday, November 22

Kicked Over the Edge

I felt so much better after I wrote in my blog yesterday, I guess it's just like journaling and helps you straighten out your thoughts. So it wasn't the best day but on the bright side I resisted the urge to go to bed and stay there. I didn't do any housework but I made 8 Christmas cards and worked hard to overcome the feelings of depression that threatened to overwhelm me.
So I was in my scraproom finishing off a couple of cards when I got a phone call from my sister late last night. Within minutes I felt as though I was no longer hanging onto the edge but rather I was free falling over it. The details of what happened are of no consequence except to say that I was at a complete loss to understand why it happened.
So now I suppose I have another choice, if I keep crying like I am, with eyes that look like balloons it will be my husband and family who suffer because I won't want to get out of bed again. I know they are all terrified about that and I don't want to put them through it again. Sometimes I just wish I could go to the doctors and get a pill that will limit my minds ability to function/think for a year and then maybe in the end I will feel like a normal functioning human being again.
I really don't think I've felt this bad since Dad died. Why do I feel so bad? I guess, because I feel like an outsider in my own family. I have tried to help however I can, I have tried to validate the difficulties my sister and her family have faced having to care for mum. I just don't know what else I could have done in the last couple of months!
I can only end this post with a story about my husband and what he does for me. Most of you will know the poem Footprints. I have always loved it since I was a little girl. There were many times in my childhood because of sexual abuse that I didn't think I'd make it through without some sort of celestial help, I always thought I had a guardian angel. Well a few years after we were married my husband gave me a card with the poem on it and told me that at the most difficult times of my life he would always carry me, it was not long after our baby daughter died. He has kept true to that and after 23 years of marriage he still carries me when I can't make it. Every couple of years he will give me something with the footprints verse on it just to let me know that he has not forgotten. Aren't I lucky? Everyone deserves a love like that!

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