Wednesday, November 21

Just Sad

I have had a really down week this week. When I wrote on my blog a few days ago that I didn't know why I felt sad, I really didn't. I spent some much needed time with my husband and he helped me realise that I was just feeling sad over my Dad. I try so hard to not be sad that sometimes it just really sneaks up on me, I know that Dad would be disappointed with me if I wasn't functioning and I guess I'm so scared of going back to that place that I try extra hard not to feel sad. It doesn't work!
I feel incredibly needy of my husband at the moment as well, I can't stand him even being at work and away from me. I feel safe and protected from all the bad stuff in the world when I am with him. He gives me comfort and a sense that my world is OK and in balance. There is this constant fear that something awful is going to happen again, I feel scared all the time, except when I'm with Ian. He is my safe place and I am so grateful for him.
I understand that this is just all a part of the grieving process but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. I have been so lucky to have supportive people around to get me through this.
My daughter Kristianne is going on an unexpected trip to New Zealand in a week and a half and whilst I'm proud of her for going and doing this to help out someone we love, I am also very nervous about how I will cope without her. She has been such a support through all of this, not only emotionally but she cleans and cooks and helps out with the boys. I also know that my paranoia will be working overtime, I know how bad I was last time, this time I will probably be a raving lunatic LOL. Oh well, on the bright side I will get heaps of cards made.
Well writing it down always makes me feel just a little bit better. So that's all for me today!

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