Saturday, October 20

Can't Sleep

I have never been a good sleeper and as I get older sleep becomes more and more difficult. But since Dad passed away I seem to be tortured by my inability to sleep. This week has been especially bad, hence the reason I am writing a blog entry and 4.30am! I have felt exhausted this week all because I can't sleep. Usually I am so tired I don't want to get up in the morning because I haven't been able to get to sleep the night before but today it's different. I'm awake early, you know summer is coming when it starts to get light so early.

This week started out pretty good, on Tuesday Sheree came over and I started scrapbooking Kylie's Wedding Journal, I had great plans to get as much done as I could this week. Then on Wednesday I went to another friend's for lunch. She lost her Mum from liver cancer 6 years ago and is so understanding and compassionate. She also has a beautiful new baby boy that I got to cuddle. It helps to be with people who understand how you are feeling. Unfortunately I crashed and burned on Thursday and Friday and didn't even want to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep, but of course, I didn't.

My Mum is coming over tomorrow and staying for 2 nights. We all look forward to her visits and the opportunity to spend time with her. We talk about the sadness we all feel, but we also usually talk about some of the happy memories that we have.

One of the most difficult things for me to process is how incredibly cruel life seems to be now, it doesn't make sense any more. You spend you're whole life loving someone and then they are taken away from you and suddenly your world that was safe, happy and loving is gone. I know that my Dad is ok and I know that he would have chosen to go before Mum, we all knew that he couldn't live without her, we have always known this. But I don't like this new world, it doesn't feel right anymore, it doesn't feel safe anymore and I can't go quietly through my day doing what I normally do. Now the days are sad and the nights are restless and the things that used to make me feel happy don't. Will the joy of life ever return? I know that life will never be the same, but will the joy return?

For the people we have lost, I have to believe that they experience bliss. Is it, that in order for them to feel this we have to hand over all the joy from our lives. Could that be it, we surrender our joy for them? I could live with that, knowing that my joy has gone to my Dad and that he is getting it from us. At least it would not be wasted and seem so senseless. There have been times when I think it's not worth it, is this what love brings you in the end? Is this your punishment for loving people? That makes life seem like nothing more than a cruel joke!

The photo is off Dad and I ready to go to church. I was around 4 or 5.

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