Why is Christmas so hard?

This was Christmas 1996, Kristianne and Kylie loved having their Grandad come over dressed up as Santa. He'd played Santa at a Christmas party and asked if he could stay in the suit to go visit his Grandchildren. I remember it was a very hot day and he must have been dying in that suit. But he came over and gave the kids presents. Rory was terrified of him and wouldn't go near him, so he took off his beard, hat and pants just so Rory would know it was his Grandad.

It is extraordinary the amount of grief you feel at Christmas time when they are not here any more. I have been going through a particularly difficult time recently and the hardest thing is knowing that if he were here he would know exactly what to say that would make everything ok. Mum told me today that she thinks he sent my biological Dad to me and somewhere deep inside I think that might be true but I can't help wishing he were here with me.

When he met his daughter from a relationship he had before he met Mum, he asked me to be there with him and now I want him to be here with me when I meet my other father. Right now I just feel very alone, more alone than I think I've ever felt in my life. I miss you so much Dad!