Sunday, November 30

The Year is Almost Over

I was just reading over some of the things that happened this year and how I was feeling when the year began. This has been the first complete year of my life that my Dad hasn't been around. It was a year that has seen me fight my way out of the deepest depression that I could ever have imagined. It has been a year of confusion and a lot of emotional pain. But I'm still here, only due to the help and support of my husband, children (especially Annie) and my BF.
The beginning of this year had a focus on the loss of my father and it seems that the end of the year has a focus on finding out about my biological father. I am a person who didn't find out that my 'Dad' wasn't my biological father until I was 21 and pregnant with our twin girls. Needless to say at the time it was a huge shock. I had always known about 'Alan', my Mum's first love, she told me all about the romance, well all except the bit about me. Mum was told in the 70's (I think) that he was dead. I remember her saying that she didn't believe it, that she really believed she'd know in her heart if that were true. Well I guess the same appears to be true of him, he knew that she was in great pain and a couple of months after Dad died Alan made contact with the extended family because he wanted to speak to Mum. This came as quite a shock not only to her but to me as well. To complicate the story, Alan is Mum's first cousin, however, there is no blood connection because he was adopted, that is why he contacted the family because they are his family as well.
My first reaction was I suppose fairly normal, I wanted to reject him the same way that he rejected me, although none of that was conscious. Now after I get information filtered through from him I am slowly changing my mind and am open to the possibility of maybe meeting him in the future. Mum told me today that he said he regretted what he'd done and that leaving her and I was the biggest mistake of his life. She said that regrets are a waste and that she doesn't regret any of her life. I am happy for her that she feels that way, how could she not, she loved my Dad with all her heart and can't possible conceive of regretting her life because she had 3 children with him. But I don't feel that way, I needed to know that Alan had regrets about what he did, it makes me feel so much better, and definitely less angry.
So whilst I've made no decisions and truthfully I don't even know if he wants to meet me, he's seen photos of me and my family but that's all I know. I don't want to be the lost daughter, that much I do know. At the moment I just want to see a photo of him, just to see if I can see any reflection of myself at all.
It's been a difficult year, a painful year, but somehow I'm still hear and I'm ok, still very emotional most of the time and still have days where I feel deeply depressed. But all things considered I think I'm ok. Well today I'm ok anyway! One day at a time, that's all I have right now and today is a good day.

1 comment:

  1. Glad to see you blogging again. I know this is hard for you and whatever decision you do or do not make, I'm here for you.