It's hard to put into words how I'm feeling tonight. My mind can't help drifting back to this time a year ago. I was busy dealing with family stuff, exhausted after a long day at a soccer carnival. I had no idea that a few short hours later I would get a phone call telling me my Dad had died.
I couldn't possibly have comprehended all that would happen in the year ahead. Of course I knew that it would be hard and I knew that the journey through grief would be a difficult and painful one but I didn't know how much it would affect my family of origin. Don't get me wrong I am a lucky woman, I have a wonderful husband, fantastic children and the best friend anyone could have. I know I'm lucky and I'm grateful for what I have. But still, I love my brother and sister and I adored my Mum, but my Mum and my sister have become lost and I can't find them or even help them find their way back, no matter how much I wish I could. The thing about grief is that it's a journey we take alone, people who love us can observe us but they can't come on the journey with us.
I remember thinking around that time that the worst of the grief would take a year to get over and as I sit here a year on I know that it is not that simple. I still have trouble believing it happened and that it's not just a bad dream that I'll wake up from.
Tonight I feel as though my mind and body keep drawing me back to that night as all the memories surface and all the pain feels so raw and so close, as though they are happening again. I don't want to remember, but it seems I have no choice. My doctor told me once that we don't have any control over this type of remembering, it is almost cellular and that's what I'm feeling tonight.
Anyway, it's cold and I'm going to snuggle down under the covers and try and get some sleep, maybe I'll even read a little. I don't want to be left alone with these memories, it just hurts to much!
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