Wednesday, February 27

When Is Enough, Enough?

How do you know when you've had enough? What happens to love when the person you love has hurt you so much you can't take anymore? I don't believe that you just stop loving someone, but I do think you are capable of putting the feelings aside, or putting up a protective wall around them so that you can't feel them anymore. I am sad to say that this seems to have happened to me with my mother. I have always worshipped her, loved her as much as any daughter could love their mother but over the years the build up of painful events seems to have finally caved in on me. At some point and without me even realising it, a wall went up. I don't know how long it will stay up or if it is just up there for good now. The things she said to me on January 3 were so painful that I didn't think I'd ever recover and I haven't really spoken to her since then.
Mum sent me a text message yesterday to ask me to have lunch with her today while she was in Brisbane. I said yes and with my trusty best friend in tow we headed off to meet her. It was very uncomfortable and strained on both her side and mine. But I came away feeling stronger. I new the wall was up, but I didn't know it would keep me safe, but it really did, I felt nothing, no love, no hate, no sympathy, no guilt and only a little fear!
As a human being our minds have an amazing capacity for self preservation. When I was a child my mind blocked out much of the sexual abuse events that happened to me. I knew I'd been sexually abused, but I didn't remember most of the details. So, at a young age my mind learned a valuable skill that is completely involuntary. However, I never in my wildest dreams imagined that my mind would have to protect me against my own mother. After Dad died I felt closer to her than I ever have. How did it all go so wrong? I really have no idea, but I took a lot before my wall went up. It is like an automatic door, but I feel so much safer now I know it is there!

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