Thursday, September 11

Update on Where I am Today

Talking about my personal journey through grief on this blog has been very therapeutic for me as I have walked through the valley of death. Firstly, let me say that while I haven't mentioned it in a while I have been feeling much better in the last 3 weeks. I feel like the fog has finally lifted. I went off the anti-depressants about 5 weeks ago because I was too worried that I just wouldn't feel anything at Kylie's wedding. They seemed to have made me stop feeling anything, not to mention I had absolutely no motivation to do anything, had no sex drive and had generally lost my everyday joy.
I literally woke up one Monday morning and all my functioning and motivation came back and I finally felt like myself again. When that continued for the whole week and once I'd done the ironing it was then that I felt confident that I had returned to my 'normal' state of mind. The ironing was a real give away as I haven't done it all since Dad died.
This week after the high of the wedding wore off I felt as though I had crashed, but I know that this is just my emotions levelling out and I need to take extra care during this time. I will admit it has been a real struggle and I haven't been sleeping well which is an extra difficulty. There have been a few times that I was really scared that the depression was returning and I can't even tell you how much that terrifies me. So I have had to take extra care to think about the things that make me happy and the situations I want to be in or avoid being in. As I slowly awaken from this journey I am sure that I am changed in ways that I don't yet even understand but I am sure of one thing. I am so grateful for the people I hold close to me and that I love with all of my heart and soul, they don't just include my immediate family they include a very select group of non related family members who are as important to me as breathing and they know exactly who they are. It is so important to take the time whenever you can to let all those people know how important they are to you and how very much they are loved.
I've learned how important my mental health is, because without that you literally have nothing! I am now learning how to take care of it as I continue my healing over the next few months. Recognising the difference between depression and sadness is something I've had to learn to do. When Jessica died I went through 12 months of intense grief but I never thought of myself as depressed, I just knew that I was grieving. This time I got Post Traumatic Shock which is what pushed me over the edge and lead to my doctor suggesting medication. If I had it to do all over again I wouldn't take the medication, I think that it impaired my ability to function. It's not that there isn't a really important place for medication but I just don't think it's right for me under those particular circumstances.
Anyway, that's an over view of where I am at the moment. For those of you who read my blog, thank you for taking this journey with me. My only hope is that in being so honest about the difficulties I have been through that others might not feel so alone if it happens to them. Grieving for someone you love is the most difficult of life's experiences, I'm just lucky I had so many people around me who love me as much as they do!

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