Sunday, June 29

I'm Still Here

I know I haven't been posting much later and truthfully that is because things have been really difficult lately Counselling has brought up some really tough stuff and I've been told I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Kylie & Troy's wedding is only weeks away and the family had a huge implosion a couple of days ago because they are all struggling to cope in their own ways.
So one at a time. Counselling has brought up some really traumatic memories and I am trying to figure out how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. That in itself is really hard and other than my psychologist I don't feel like talking about it, even with Ian. That is unusual, usually I can talk to Ian or Sheree and figure stuff out. My personality is that I must sort things out in my head and do my best to make some sort of sense of them. This is not just a simple case of remembering something, acknowledging it and moving on. It involves people I care about and I have to sort out the effect that these memories have on my current relationships with them, this is the difficult part. It even comes down to deciding whether or not I want to have them in my life at all (I'm not talking about anyone in my immediate family).
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, hmm, well I have very little knowledge about it. I know how I got it, and I now understand why the sexual abuse memories have come up. But that's about it and truthfully for me it is just another label that I don't want or need, so I feel very detached from it and don't even feel like I'm talking about myself.
The Wedding is only two months away and Kylie and Troy are doing a great job of organising it. Kylie has found a beautiful dress and she looks like a princess in it. The girls have their bridesmaid dresses which are lovely, Kylie is picking up the table decorations today and yesterday they ordered the most beautiful cake. Kylie has been fairly stressed so that puts a lot of pressure on the family as well as me. But I'm sure all will be well on the day. I still have the invitations to do and I have to do them this week. Thank goodness it's school holidays.
The implosion? Well, that wasn't good, it was just a build up of pressure that has probably been building all year and very sadly an innocent was hurt and damaged. I can only hope that enough damage control has been done repair that damage. Me, I guess the good news is that when I was needed I was still able to get out my super glue and glue everyone back together.
Despite all the inner turmoil, well it feels more like an inner mine field right now, I have been functioning reasonably well. I managed to clean the house this week, cook the meals, do the washing and folding and even go grocery shopping (haven't done that for weeks). The only thing I'm disappointed about is that I haven't read much this month, I finished a book at the beginning of the month and haven't read another. I listened to an audio book on my MP3 player while I did the housework etc, which was great but I just have not been able to concentrate on reading. I've tried to read 3 or 4 books and put them all down again.
This week I really want to reorganise my scraproom and put another desk in there so that Kristianne or Sheree can scrap in there with me. But, it is such a huge job I just look at it and then run in the other direction. Well, we'll see what happens, I kind of figure once I get started I won't be able to stop, it's just getting started that's the hard part.
Well that's the update for now. Another counselling session on Tuesday and apart from that I'm looking forward to a relaxing 2 weeks with my boys.

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