Thursday, March 13

7 Month's Today

I wonder when you stop counting the month's? Seven month's ago my father passed away, he dropped dead of a heart attack. My Mum got really defensive and angry when I said that smoking and drinking can cause or contribute to heart attacks. She doesn't want to accept that lifestyle choices contribute to your own death, and I undestand that, but we all know that we make those choices everyday.
My BF's mother had a melanoma cut out 2 years ago, her daughter begged her to get a second opininion on whether or not they got it all. She refused! Now she has a tumour in her brain and only weeks to live. We make little choices everyday, but none of us ever stop to think that they could have deadly consequences. Just going to work one day could kill you! So we get up every morning and carry on with life, until death stops you in your tracks and you feel as though your world is turned upside down. Then suddenly all the little things that annoyed you about someone don't matter anymore, all that's left is love.
Now that 7 months has passed and so much has happened within the family, I don't really feel as though I have a family anymore, I feel as though I lost my whole family when my Dad died. It's complicated, as all families are and I wish it was just some little thing that could be swept aside and forgotten, maybe in time things will change. Why can't I just put it aside and forget the terrible things she said to me, I know that she is a grieving widow who has been completely devastated by the loss of her husband of 42 years. But it's just not that simple, I'm not angry with her anymore, in fact, I barely remember what she said, but I just can't put myself at risk like that again, nor my family, they were just as hurt by the things she said. I simply can't take the risk!
So forgive me Dad, I know this would disappoint you but I hope that somehow you understand all this and still come and visit us every now and again. Sometimes I could swear that you're in the room watching over us. I wish with all my heart that things could be different, I wish you were still here. Sometimes I forget you've left this earth and think that you are still at home with Mum. I will always love you and I can't imagine a time when I won't miss you. I miss your cuddles, you gave the best cuddles. Love Always and Forever, Alaine (your baby girl)

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