Sunday, February 3

Almost 6 Months

In a couple of weeks it will have been 6 months since Dad died. So much has happened in this short time that I can hardly comprehend it all. But still, there are these thoughts, and I can't believe it happened, it seems like a distant dream, a bad memory, a nightmare that I will awaken from.
I feel betrayed by my own mind and the things it has put me through since Dad's death. Yes, this is a journey, I know that, but why does it have to hurt so much? I'm going to see a psychologist tomorrow and I am terrified that I will be rendered useless for a couple of days following the appointment, I am terrified of speaking aloud the torturous flashbacks that have been plaguing me for the past couple of weeks. When I have spoken to my doctor about it I seem unable to function for days afterwards and this week I have to see my doctor as well. I just want someone to tell me how to put these nightmares back where they belong.
I explained it to my husband yesterday, being sexually abused is with you always. But what happens is that every now and again you'll get a flashback, for me they usually occur because I have seen something, it is like tripping on something you didn't see coming, then for a couple of days afterwards, the memory will pop in every now and then, and I will dismiss it as quickly as I am able. The better I am feeling emotionally the easier I am able to do it. It in no way affects my daily life or functioning. However, what has been happening lately is, it is right in front of me, like a haze over my eyes and I see everything through it, but it all seems to be in the distance and nothing else is clear because of this haze. I want the haze to clear and I'm not sure how to do that. I have never had this happen before, well except when I went through the counselling and it was a healing process, it was difficult, a nightmare in fact, but it was a process and Iknew that as I went through it I was healing. This time, I know that I've already done all that and I don't want to go through that process again.
Is it just time that is needed? Will I get better as I heal emotionally from the trauma that my emotions have been through with the loss of someone I love so much? Is this just what I have to go through in the grieving process. None of this came up until 'that' night with Mum. Will I have to do this again every time someone I love dies or is it just the it was stirred up by my mother and because I am so emotionally vulnerable I can't clear it away like I can normally do. Hmmm, maybe I will get an answer tomorrow.

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