It amazes me how easily my equalibrium can be shattered. Today I woke up at 4.45am and watched TV for a while, then got up and found that I had no energy at all. I was so lethargic! Ended up having a few family dramas as well, and whilst I can't discuss my children's personal lives on a public website I was really proud of the way the family banded together to protect and support each other.
Went to watch Kenzie (8) play indoor soccer, Ian asked me to film it and while I was setting it up Dad's funeral flashed up on the screen and started playing, mainly it was watching his truck drive away from his funeral. That brought up memories of the day Dad died and my Mum and sister and I standing on the front porch sobbing as Dad's truck (T48) was driven away. Even as I write this it brings tears to my eyes. It was really hard having that memory come up tonight, but then I reminded myself that I didn't want to remember my pain because that is not about Dad. That is just about my memories of losing Dad. So I decided to think about other Truck memories I have, like the sound of the air brakes coming down the street that I grew up on, or seeing him when I was driving around somewhere and waving with my arm out the window like a crazy person, not caring that people must have thought I was nuts. Also, when I got my first job and I started work before the buses in the mornings so he used to get up and drive me to work at 4am, he did that for months, without complaint, he even made me a cup of tea in the morning to drink before we left. I loved those times that I had with him. Just him and me!
So that's my secret, that's how I managed to get out of bed again and start living my life. Every time I begin feeling overwhelmed with sadness I remind myself that I am remembering my pain, not my Dad himself, so I think of him and a memory I have. This has helped me function again.
PS Kenzie's team won 16-1, Kenzie scored 4 goals and set up another 2!
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